I learned my wife’s sexual history and I’m not sure if I want to stay: Ask Ellie

QI recently married a girl I’d been engaged to for three years. We met when I was 25, she was 22.

She’s jealous. I had to lose several close female friends. My male friends and myself were disallowed from discussing my previous relationships.

A week before our wedding, one friend divulged the truth about my bride who’d made me constantly choose her over my lifelong pals.

He said that in the nine months before we started dating, I was the fourth guy she slept with, and many more previously.

When I confronted her, she stated that her standards only applied to me, that I should just forgive her and move on.

I’m struggling to stay in this relationship.

Should I Forgive Her?

AYour friend may’ve believed that he was saving you from marrying a cheater, but her sexual relationships apparently occurred before she’d married you.

Yes, her confession and expectation of forgiveness are certainly surprising. Why had she been sexually involved with so many guys? Why did she marry you?

You’re both still young and seemingly inexperienced in what a longtime relationship actually looks like, when it includes the commitments of two people to love and respect one another.

Maybe you were both just caught up with the romantic idea of marrying.

But a thoughtful love-partner doesn’t just hide/disregard past behaviour that can so deeply hurt the other and expect instant forgiveness.

Say “No, not now” to her request for immediate forgiveness. Instead, take some “thinking” time, apart. Your future is yours (and the same applies to her) so focus deeply on what’s happened.

Take a few weeks just for yourself to consider what you feel inside beyond shock/pain/embarrassment. Also, weigh the quality of your relationship until this time.

Did marriage bring you two closer? Were you easily intimate together? Were you comfortable just being with her?

I urge you both to consider joint marital counselling. Ask your bride to state aloud, within the counselling discussions, why she married you and whether you can now still trust her.

Then ask yourself what you can live with, if you stay in this marriage. Also, whether forgiveness is possible or not, and why. This sudden revelation is about you and her as a couple, not your friends or their judgments.

QMy spouse of 20 years passed away eight years ago. I felt lost.

I was later pursued by someone from overseas who came to Canada to study. But I was initially very hesitant because of the age difference.

I was raised to make efforts to make a relationship work. I sponsored that person through the immigration process, though he was very evasive, and never introduced me to his friends.

I later learned that he was dating someone else while his immigration application was going through the system. He even brought her to my home when I wasn’t there.

Half a year after getting his status, he left me and blocked me from all social media. I learned that he’s starting a new life with that other person in another city.

I reported him to immigration authorities for fraud.

Have I gone too far? Should I simply let him go? I don’t think I should be taken for a free ride while the other person could’ve sponsored him.

Resenting “Free Ride”

AHe’s already gone. Yes, he used you to get his immigration status. Knowing this, feel relieved that you didn’t end up more involved with him.

Now it’s up to the immigration department to decide his future, not you.

Ellie’s tip of the day

A long-term couple relationship thrives on mutual fairness as well as equal support.

Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].

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